I am confident...aren't I?

I have just had my plaster removed - Woohoo!!

How fantastic is that? I am now free to go out and get in my car and drive!

And yet...I am nervous about driving, when my foot still feels like it has 'gone to sleep' - you know that sensation you get when you have been sat on your leg/foot for a while and when you get up, you can barely feel anything!

Of course, this is just about confidence, a small attack of doubt about my abilities to get into the car and operate said foot easily - I just need to give it a few hours to get used to being 'free' and I will be away.

It reminded me though - confidence? Where does a lack of self confidence come from? And how can you build self confidence?

Firstly, I need to be clear here - self confidence is not the same as self esteem - self esteem is what you believe about yourself and is internal, whereas for me confidence is more about behavioural reaction to external events and is more a sub set of self esteem.

So when I was asked to speak at Networking South recently on the subject of Confidence Drainers and the talk I gave was primarily about adopting some strategies to overcome confidence drainers, and my experience, albeit short, is typical of someone who normally has bags of confidence, suddenly being not so sure!

When I sat down to think about what I was going to say, I decided to tell a story, which would show how much of our confidence is formed during our early years, from those who were influential in our upbringing and our own experiences, that whilst on the whole most of us are fortunate enough to feel confident in at least one area of our lives, we are all susceptible to the odd pangs of 'can I do this?'

The Story is obviously exaggerated to get across a message, although I am sure that it maybe true for some people, and yet it seeks to demonstrate where low and poor self confidence can originate.

The Relish message is all about taking responsibility for ourselves when things make us unhappy, or something seems very hard to achieve.

For a couple of strategies to handle a lack of confidence, or for NLP, hypnosis and life coaching for personal development and for the all round happiness factor in general please take a look at our website
Please read on for the story....


Tom is a 54 year old married man with grown up children and he is a supervisor in an engineering company.

Until today, he has considered his life to be reasonably satisfying, he has a loving wife, his 3 grown up children are now themselves living their own successful lives, and he has always been fortunate with work, earning a reasonable income - until today.

Today, he has been called into see the boss and he already senses something is wrong. As he walks in he can see that his boss' face is looking fixed and somewhat grim. He is keen to remain calm and takes a seat, himself putting on a fixed look.

"Tom, I am really sorry to have to tell you this" says his boss, Tom doesn't hear the rest, the word redundancy was enough. He is already thinking ahead "what will I say to my wife? How am I going to get another job at my age?" How am I going to pay the mortgage?" " I am not sure what I am going to do? I am not surprised they chose me at my age."

As he gets up to leave, his life has just been turned upside down, and he doesn't known what to do. ....a coffee and cigarette is just what he needs, so he wanders down to the coffee machine.

As he sips his hot instant coffee and takes a drag from his cigarette,(prior to the new no smoking regulations of course!) he begins to think about how he came to this point. His whole life has been with this company and whilst he knows that this is unusual these days, he also knows he has much more to offer an employer. How different his life has turned out, compared to the boyhood dreams he had all those years ago.

So what did happen to Tom? It all started at the moment he was born.

Cast your mind back if you will, to 1953. Tom is just a few hours old. As a young infant, he has no expectations, no understanding of what is expected of him, no idea of what is right or wrong, good or bad. All he knows is how to respond to his bodies needs of sleep, hunger, warmth and dryness.

As he becomes a toddler, he is now running around and doing what all little children do - he explores his surroundings. And his parents begin to tell him "You've fallen over, you clumsy thing" "Careful Tom, you will break that" "Tom you naughty boy..." and Tom took it on.

Tom starts school, and finds that he is teased for his red hair and is called various names such as "carrot top", as he works his way through school the teachers also comment on who he is "he is good at maths and science, but could do better" "Tom will never get on, if he doesn't make an effort" and Tom took it on.

Tom eventually starts his first job as an apprentice engineer. Not only is he learning a new job, he is suddenly learning what it is to be an adult, earning money and being responsible for himself. This is a tough time for any youngster and Tom is no different. His role as an apprentice is a tough one and it comes as no surprise to him, when he is told " how careless" he is when he makes a mistake, "what do you think you are doing?" when he works on his initiative. And Tom took it on.

Throughout his life, Tom has had people passing comments and judgement on what he does, how well he does it and on who he is. Some were meant in a caring way, and yet Tom doesn't know this. Tom only hears the criticism and how he is not good enough.

This has eaten away at his confidence and to avoid hearing it he has learnt to stay within his comfort zones and only do what he knows he is good at. As a result, he has not made the progress he wanted to and his confidence in his own abilities has been affected.

So Tom is now faced with redundancy....we are each, masters of our own destiny, and whilst redundancy is always a knock to our self confidence, it is also a great opportunity for reflection, self development in order to go on and achieve success somewhere else!

Time out! Work/Life Balance under Scrutiny!

Well the broken foot is healing nicely, and I am now out of plaster!

Wendy and I are great believers in things happening for a reason, and besides the lesson of allowing others to help out, the accident has also given me time out to think more about how I am living my life.

I have been a workaholic for longer than I care to remember and since meeting Wendy have recognised that I still have had an overwhelming inner drive that occasionally results in ‘burn out’, where I just need some time to myself.

I recall during my corporate days working for a couple of global data/IT companies in Basingstoke & Slough, that most of us felt compelled to work long hours, very often taking work home with us, staying in the office late (9pm was not unheard of and sometimes later!), missing lunchtimes etc and yet there was always more to do.

We each had our own personal motivations for doing this, for some of us it was the satisfaction of a job well done, for others it was the career progression and personal development prospects, for some a fear of their productivity levels, and for others just a desire to avoid letting the side down and each reason was absolutely valid for each person.

What is underlying these motivations?

For me, it was fear. Fear of failure (I had low self esteem and confidence, believing everyone was better than me)and also, knowing that I was the breadwinner of the family, so there was a responsibility to make sure that I was earning well.

Since going out on my own, I have addressed the fear of failure, with a mixture of NLP and hypnosis, which has also meant that I no longer worry so much about the money knowing that it will always work out for me.

So my broken foot was just a great opportunity to take a long, hard look at how I approach my working life now and with some objectivity – to see some of the superficiality of some of the tasks I was doing, recognising the ones I disliked and have actually enjoyed not doing, and the things I love and like and have still managed to do, even from home.

I believe those who work long hours, need to look very closely at what they are striving to achieve. Is it success? Personal growth? Happiness? Money? or maybe it is a fear of something? Avoiding something?

Being aware is the first step in addressing a problem, and one of my recommendations if you are feeling under pressure to work long hours, is to take a long hard look at what is behind it.

We owe it to ourselves to make sure that we are looking after number 1 - us! It is a bit like a bank account, if you always make withdrawals and never pay in, eventually you will go overdrawn. Similarly, if you always invest heavily in your work life and pay scant attention to you, there will be a price to pay!

Remember, no-one is indispensable, so start to be kind to yourself and recognise that whilst work is important, so are you!